I lost it and yelled at the kids - now what do I do?

I lost It and shouted at  my kids – now what? 

If you’ve ever lost it with your kids, then you’ll want to listen to how I explore these common, intense moments of parental stress through my personal anecdotes and advice.
You’re not alone in this, and losing it doesn’t define you as a parent. Tune in for practical strategies to recover, reconnect, and show your child what handling mistakes with love really looks like.
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Covering -

✅ Why these moments happen (it’s not just about the kids!)
✅ How guilt affects us—and why beating yourself up doesn’t help
✅ 3 powerful steps to repair and reset so you can move forward with confidence
Plus,I answered a listener’s question: “I screamed at my 4-year-old after nagged for my phone and then hit me—now what?”
I dive into the main triggers such as overload, exhaustion, and feeling judged, and emphasizes the importance of self-compassion, acknowledging and managing emotions.

I also share practical steps for repairing and resetting relationships with children and spouses after these outbursts.
I hope the episode provides you with actionable strategies to improve your emotional resilience and foster a loving and balanced family environment.

00:00 Introduction: Losing It as a Parent
00:28 A Personal Story of Losing Control
01:42 Understanding the Triggers
02:25 Key Strategies to Repair and Reset
03:06 Why We Lose It: The Underlying Causes
05:51 Dealing with Guilt and Shame
07:35 Repairing and Resetting After Losing It
12:05 Question of the Week: Handling a Child's Tantrum
16:22 Conclusion and Final Thoughts

LINKS AND RESOURCES MENTIONED

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Get my FREE printable guide 'How to get your kids to listen without nagging our shouting' 

Episode transcript:

Podcast Episode 19: 

"I Completely Lost It—Now What? How to Recover and Move Forward"

 Have you had one of those moments when you completely lost it? It seems like it comes from nowhere and you wonder, oh god, now what do I do? So today we're talking about those moments when the stress builds up and we snap, you know Maybe it was after a long day Maybe your child was pushing every button or maybe like in my case you also felt judged and it was just too much. And please know that I'm a parenting coach, but also I'm human.  So here's a memory that really sticks in my mind.  Um, it was at the end of the long day. My mother in law had been to stay, which was always a little stressful in itself. 

I got my four kids into the bath and they like just started to become wild. They were shouting at the tops of their voices. They wouldn't listen. They wouldn't do anything I said. They were pushing water out of the bath. At that point, my husband walked in and he asked me, why can't you keep them quiet? 

Literally a nanosecond later, something in me just flipped and I completely lost it and I screamed, well you can just fuck off at the top of my voice. I shouted at the kids then, and you can too. And then I  stormed down the stairs and I could hear them shouting, "mummy where are you going?"

I ran out of the house. I jumped in the car, which was probably a really bad idea because I was in such a state, and I just drove off and I was still feeling absolutely furious.  As I started to calm down, I had so many emotions, including shame and guilt. And I'd kind of wondered if I damaged my kids. I felt judged by my husband and I'd wished I'd handle it better.

So this is what we're going to be diving in today, into today. What leads us to these moments and the guilt that follows and most importantly how to move forward in a way that's helpful for both us and our kids and our spouses. But first.  So, today I'm going to be covering three key strategies that help us repair and reset after we've lost it.

And I'll also be answering a great question. I call them my question of the week. My four year old wouldn't let it go. I said no to him using my phone and he started nagging at me in that whiny voice and then he hit me. I absolutely lost it and I screamed at him. Then he started sobbing and I felt terrible.

What kind of role model was I being and what should I do when this happens? So stick around until the end because I'm going to give you really practical advice for that very question.  But also first up, number one, what causes us To lose it. So let's go deeper into why we lose it in the first place.

These moments, like it was for me, they really don't just happen out of nowhere, even though it feels like they do. There's always something underneath the surface that's building up until we explode.  So here are five of the biggest triggers that cause us to explode and lose it. Number one, overload. We are juggling so much.

We're juggling work, we're juggling running the home, we're juggling our relationships, our friendships, maybe, caring for parents in some way. And then there's the whole parenting aspect. There's homework, there's their extracurricular activities, there's food, there's just being with them, there's playing with them, there is just so much involved when we are a parent.

And sometimes It all feels too much.  Number two, exhaustion. I help parents a lot with managing their children's sleep and getting them into much, much better, um, sleep patterns, but sleep deprivation, you know, particularly if you've got a young baby, it makes everything so much harder to handle. And, you know, when we're sleep deprived, a small annoyance.

can really feel like a huge problem.  And then, you know, that's just kind of when we're running on empty. So of course we're going to have low reserves. Number three, feeling judged. Like when my husband asked me why I couldn't keep them quiet,  I felt incensed that he thought I should be able to keep them quiet.

In fact, actually what I learned later is that he just finished a really difficult day at work, which was why he was so annoyed with me. Um, these things have such an impact on, on us and our relationship, but you know, that doesn't mean to say, um, that was my fault or I should have known, uh, number four, not feeling heard when our child keeps ignoring us, it is such a button pusher and we feel when we feel like nobody listens to us, nobody's respecting us and that frustration just builds. 

And number five, it kind of plays into this expectation that we have that our child should listen to us, which causes us to very often to explode. But really, um, the other expectation, you know, if we expect ourselves to be endlessly patient and calm, we're kind of setting ourselves up for failure. Um, and also just kind of recognizing what Triggered us, you know, what were the these moments that trigger us can help us be more aware next time.

So next up number two when dealing with with these moments when we lose it is  how guilt and shame affects us and why beating ourselves up doesn't help  So look once the storm has passed guilt and shame often take over like they did for me. We think things like Oh God, have I damaged my child for life?

What must they think of me? I really shouldn't have done that. Why am I like this? While guilt's a really common emotion, especially, I think, with mothers, it really isn't constructive and shame definitely isn't. It, it's our brain's way of saying  I care about being a good parent, but if we stay stuck in guilt and shame, we really don't learn or improve.

In fact, we just feel worse.  And here's the problem with beating ourselves up. It keeps us in this negative spiral, and then we're kind of potentially more likely to lose it again when we are in this negative spiral. And we also usually internalize the shame with that self criticism. Um, rather than using it as a chance to show our child how to handle mistakes with that self compassion.

I mean, I'm really big on being compassionate to our children and also being compassionate to ourselves. And you know, if we're not showing ourselves self compassion It really does  get in the way of us taking action to change things for the future. So instead of dwelling on the mistake, the goal is to acknowledge and repair and reset it.

Which brings us really nicely to my last point, which has three key strategies. So the third point is, when we lose it, is how to repair and reset. So,  strategy number one,  and remember if you're liking this podcast, hit follow, if you're liking this, hit follow or subscribe, um, so that you get to hear more of this. 

Number one, acknowledge our own emotions. So we've got to recognize what triggers us, the  stress, the exhaustion, the pressure. And instead of thinking I'm a terrible mom, we can reframe it as I was overwhelmed and I overreacted. That's human. We can name the feelings. I felt really frustrated. I felt out of control.

I felt judged. And this reduces the power that our emotions might have over us. And, you know, I'm a really big believer in breath. So maybe we just need to take a breath and pause. And even if the moment has already passed, just slowing down can help us shift our mindset.  So we need to reflect on what led up to it.

You know, what was it? Was it this tiredness, the stress, the pressure? Because identifying the root cause does help us for future blow ups. And we also need to remind ourselves that one moment doesn't define us as a parent. What we do next is what matters most. Number two. repair with our child. So if we've lost it, we can still repair. A simple genuine apology really does go a long way. Wow. I felt really overwhelmed and I shouted. That's not how I wanted to handle it. Also about owning it because our children can think that it's their fault. So we can say, this is my stuff, not yours. They don't need not long explanations or kind of self flagellation.

Just seeing us acknowledge it helps them learn about remote emotional resilience and also avoid blaming themselves. So keep it brief and to the point. Uh, just an honest moment. And we can also show warmth, like a hug, um, or a gentle touch on their back. That can really help reassure them that, um, you know, it isn't, we're not about being perfect.

Um, so it can also help reassure them. And also repair isn't about being perfect. It's about showing our child how to handle mistakes and move forward. And listen, think about like this. If another adult was involved. We might need to briefly acknowledge, um, things with them.

If another adult was involved, like, i. e., our spouse, we might want to acknowledge it with them too. We don't have to over apologize, but, you know, a simple, I really wasn't at my best earlier, it can reset the tone. I'm also a believer in using some humour when things have calmed down. And actually I, that's what I did with my husband.

When I came back, I was like, whoa, I really wasn't at my best then. Um, you know, I think, as I say, humor can really good, be really good. And number three, reset for next time. So we ask ourselves, what small shift can I make? You know, maybe next time when I'm feeling it build up, um, I could take a breath. I could step away or I could ask for help.

Maybe it's even, you know, just quickly phoning somebody. Obviously, if children are in the bath, we're never going to leave them there. But, you know, stepping outside with the door open and just phoning a friend. So identifying the triggers, you know, is it this exhaustion, overwhelm, or lack of support?

Because, um, you know, when we name it, it does really help. Also,  It can really help to make a plan.  If that bath time period is very stressful, skip the bath, or have a bath in the morning. Or maybe you're having the bath after children have had their supper, have it before.  Um, you know, or maybe if you're prone to losing it as you walk in the house, if you've been at work all day, sit outside and take some deep breaths then.

So really practice this idea of self compassion. Instead of beating ourselves up, we need to remind ourselves that every parent struggles. We don't know what goes on behind closed doors. And also think about what would you say to a friend in the same situation. And I really think we need to offer ourselves the same kindness. 

So, um, I'm coming on to answer the question of the week,  but I want to just remind you to hit subscribe or follow and also  you can book a free discovery call with me to talk things over. So,  go to my parenting solutions. com and you'll find the link there, or you can look at the show notes.

So, here is the question of the week. My four year old wouldn't let it go. I said no to him using my phone and he started whining and crying and then he hit me. I absolutely lost it and I screamed at him and then he started sobbing. Well, first of all, you probably gathered from today, you're not alone. So many parents experience this exact situation.

So here's what I suggest, um, and you can go back over this podcast and also see the show notes. Um, because, um, you might want to think about the preventative things, but if it's already happened.  The breath, which again, I'm going to mention it again, acknowledge our own feelings to ourselves.  I lost it because I was pushed to my limit, but I, it's not a sign of failure, it's a sign that I was human. 

And then we might want to repair and learn with our child. I'd wait a little bit till things have calmed down and we might say something like, "I felt really frustrated when you asked me for my phone and I shouted. I don't want to do that.  Let's talk about what happened. I made a mistake. Um, I'm not, wasn't going to give you my phone.

But I shouldn't have shouted, so that was my mistake. Now, if we definitely want our children to take responsibility, we don't want to just say, here's the phone. Um, that's not the solution to this. But, we want them to learn, obviously, not to hit and not to nag at us.  But how we go about that, um, is going to, make all the difference.

So we might at this point say, what was your mistake? Um, we just, you know, we've got to know that our child was frustrated and they reacted by hitting. Maybe this is still something that they need to learn how to handle differently. And, we can say, um, something like, it's really okay to be upset.

It's not okay to hit me. So next time, how might you be able to tell me with words? And we could even practice that. Um, because the best kind of practice that we can do with our children is not when they are in the middle of that frustration. So, you know, It's like that muscle so we can practice him asking and us saying no and then being able to accept it because I'm really not saying that if they ask us  in a nice voice without hitting us,  that we're definitely going to say yes to things we're not. 

I also feel like that some of these issues come about because we don't have clear boundaries. Things like phones and screens are terribly addictive. So I'd really recommend that  you don't willy nilly give your kid your phone because when we do, they just don't know where they stand. Um, and you know, there will be times when we can and there are times when we can't.

So actually, um, I would say really minimize how much time they spend on a phone, but also have some boundaries around screens.  But, you know, there will be other times when they're nagging and it might be unexpectedly. Um, and you might find you've got a child that really struggles with the no. So we might try giving them a choice.

You know, perhaps they've really nagged for ice cream, and it's just before supper. You could say something like, you can have a piece of fruit or a cracker, but ice cream isn't an option right now. If they start escalating, remind yourself, this is his struggle, not mine, and my role is to help my child.

Cope with the emotion, not to give in to the tantrum.  So I can stay calm. I, we could say to ourselves, look, I really know this isn't always easy. So again, please do reach out to me and book a discovery call. Um, and also on my website, my parenting solutions. com. There's lots of free resources and see the show notes.

So to wrap up for today, remember this.  Every parent loses it sometimes, but one moment doesn't define us. And just to go over what we covered, we covered what causes us to lose it, that losing our temper doesn't come out of nowhere. We're often triggered by  this sense of overload as a parent. 

Number two, how guilt affects us and why beating ourselves up doesn't help, because when the guilt  steps in, We can often get stuck in the guilt and lead us to a cycle of shame, which makes it harder to make real changes. And number three was about repairing and  resetting, that moving forward, acknowledging what happened,  repairing the relationship with your child, and setting ourselves up to handle things differently.

Next time. So, um, I hope that you've enjoyed today. , again,  that discoveries call is always there for you. Please subscribe and recommend the podcast to your friends. Um, and also give me a review if you can, uh, that would be great. So thank you for listening to raising kids with love and boundaries with me, Camilla McGill, and I'll see you in the next episode where I'm talking to.

The lovely mum, Katie, who's,  having a really hard time with her little boy, her three year old, who is very prone to hitting out. So we're going to be talking about how to manage it when our kids get very emotionally dysregulated. Thank you so much for listening.