Why Time Outs Don't Work - and what to do instead

Why Time-Outs Don’t Work (and What to Do Instead)

Time-outs have long been seen as a go-to discipline strategy for parents.

The idea is simple: remove the child from the situation to give them time to “think about what they’ve done.”

But the reality is, time-outs often miss the mark when it comes to helping kids learn better behaviour. Here are three key reasons why time-outs don’t work and what you can do instead to foster real growth and connection.

1. Time-Outs Are Used as a Punishment

When kids are emotionally dysregulated, they’re not in a place to reflect on their behaviour. Instead, time-outs feel like a punishment, which shifts their focus away from what they did wrong and towards feelings of anger or resentment.

Rather than thinking, “I shouldn’t have hit my brother,” they’re more likely to think, “I’m mad at Mum for sending me away.” This emotional response blocks the opportunity for genuine learning and growth.

What to Do Instead:Connect Before You Correct — Stay calm, get down to your child’s level, and acknowledge their feelings. When kids feel safe and heard, they’re more open to learning from the situation.

2. Time-Outs Push Kids Away When They Need Us Most

Children often act out because they’re overwhelmed and struggling to manage big emotions. Sending them away during these moments feels like rejection, not support. Instead of helping them learn how to handle their feelings, it leaves them alone to deal with emotions they don’t yet understand or know how to process.

What to Do Instead: Stay Close — Offer Comfort and help your child calm down. Sitting with them, offering a gentle touch, or simply being present shows them that you’re there to help them navigate their emotions.

3. Time-Outs Don’t Teach Better Behaviour

While time-outs might stop the behaviour in the short term, they don’t teach kids what to do differently next time. Children often focus on feeling bad or figuring out how to avoid getting in trouble rather than understanding the impact of their actions.

This approach misses the chance to build important problem-solving and emotional regulation skills.

What to Do Instead:Teach Emotional Regulation Skills — Help your child build coping skills outside of emotional outbursts.

Practice deep breathing exercises, role-play calming strategies, and teach them to recognise early signs of frustration. Activities like mindfulness, naming feelings, and using visual aids (like a “feelings thermometer”) can strengthen their ability to manage emotions during dysregulated moments.

Final Thoughts

Discipline isn’t about punishment—it’s about teaching. By staying connected, offering guidance, and supporting your child through big emotions, you’re not just managing behaviour in the moment; you’re helping them develop lifelong skills for emotional regulation, problem-solving, and healthy relationships.

Connection over correction. Every time.

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